the december recap

with anticipation and a welcoming of the New Year

Hi friends,

December arrived gently but insistently. The first snows came down in quiet sheets, softening the edges of New York City and in some ways slowing everything down just enough for me to feel where I was actually standing. Footprints in the snow, salt sticking to the bottom of my boots, the sharpness of the winter solstice. This month asked me to sit still with a reflection on my life this past year and look at it honestly, without the pressure to fix or reframe it into something more palatable.

I’m starting to unclench my jaw. My cortisol levels are finally coming down, and lately I’ve been savoring the silence in my new apartment. There are no loud, drunken jokes spilling through the rooms, no yelling at the TV during endless games of FIFA. There are no remnants of drugs on the table or empty shot glasses left behind. But above all, there’s no quiet resentment lodged in the corners, slowly festering, because my body is no longer something owed to anyone. My body is no longer being treated like debt because I no longer live in a space where my body is expected to be available, and where I’m expected to bear the emotional labor.

I finally came to terms with how things ended with my ex. Not in this huge redemptive arc or with a tidy lesson attached, but with an acceptance that felt like setting something down that I’d been carrying for longer than I truly realized. The anger that was once eating me alive with its flames has finally whittled down into embers that currently sit in the pit of my stomach; a slow and steady burn in my belly that keeps propelling me forward.

There’s grief in that kind of clarity, but there’s a huge relief too. A door closed without needing to be slammed.

This was also a month of stark contrast. Financially, I experienced a whole new level of being without, a vulnerability that made me feel like I was sitting on display. A car crash that you can’t seem to look away from. And at the same time, I was surrounded by an overwhelming amount of love. My friends showed up in ways that reminded me that care doesn’t always come with terms and conditions. I practiced something that didn’t come naturally to me, which was receiving. Accepting gifts instead of giving them. Letting myself be held without immediately reaching to check the ledger I’d been subconsciously keeping. Learning that love can exist without an exchange rate.

I also fell in love with Substack, with the liberating feeling that comes with throwing all of your thoughts into the void but now, I’m being rewarded with the true connections I’m making along the way.

As the year comes to a close, I’m looking toward to January with a different kind of anticipation. Not the frantic energy of reinvention or rebranding, but a steadier, much more clearer beginning. For the first time in probably ever, I’m confident in my path ahead and more rooted in my purpose here.

Here’s what’s been keeping me company this month:

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reading

If I’m being so honest here, I haven’t done a ton of reading this month other than Substack pieces from other creators (which I am struggling to keep up with — but so excited to keep reading). However, I’m still making my way through the following fiction novels:

The Secret History — Donna Tartt

If you haven’t given this one a good old college try, you absolutely should. I’m not done reading this book yet, but it’s got me in a delicious, palpable dark academia chokehold. It’s got everything you need – the fall in Vermont, hot people, a collegiate secret society, and murder.

Our Share of Night — Mariana Enriquez

I just started this book, a gift from one of my best friends by an author that we both discovered this year, and I may not read anything by anyone ever again. I’m completely obsessed with this author and I will continue to devour anything and everything that she writes. This novel can be described in five words: an occult society in Argentina.

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listening

Christmas Lo-Fi and General Instrumental Playlists
I have been throwing these playlists on pretty much all day. I’ve been very into instrumental versions of songs lately, and I think it’s due to being super sensitive right now, to everything but especially noise. We need to get these cortisol levels down, baby.

SZA
I’ve returned to her last album, SOS but the Deluxe LANA version. SZA is one of my favorite artists, but specifically for this period of readjustment that I’m in, her voice has been very soothing for me.

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watching

Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown Podcast - hosted by Mayim Bialik and Jonathan Cohen, this podcast embodies neuroscience meets spirituality and I’ve been loving it. Highly recommend!

Sex and the City
Yes, we’re re-watching SATC because it’s become my new comfort show, it’s that good, and it’s also super validating for me as a newly single 30 something living in NYC. Highly recommend. I know it’s a little dated and definitely overplayed here on Substack (everyone seems to love or hate it), but I’m glad I watched it now in my 30s because there’s a way greater appreciation and relatability to it than if I watched the show in my 20s.

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playing

Mario Kart World - I got the Switch 2 for my birthday this year, and I love it. I haven’t given her as much time as I’ve been wanting to, but I played Mario Kart World with one of my best friends who just recently got the Switch 2, and we’ve been having a blast.

Infinity Nikki - I feel like this may be niche, but I love this game! I started playing it with the girl I used to nanny for, and we’re both equally as obsessed and still play together even though I don’t nanny for her anymore. If you haven’t heard of this game, it’s basically an open world dress up game and I recently downloaded it for my PC, and haven’t been able to stop playing!

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current hyperfixations

Chocolate Chip Banana Bread
It’s finally the time of year where I get to make my infamous chocolate chip banana bread, and honestly it just gets better every year, not to toot my own horn, but it’s perfect. If you like banana bread and haven’t tried chocolate chip banana bread, you honestly must.

Dossier’s Ambery Cherry Fragrence
This is a dupe for Tom Ford’s Lost Cherry and it’s absolutely divine. I’m usually not a fruity fragrance girl other than citrus, but this fragrence is really out of this world. If you like cherries, this is definitely for you. Top notes are cherry, almond, cinnamon. Middle notes are cloves, rose, jasmine and plum. And the base notes are Peru Balsam, tonka bean and vanilla. It’s a perfect gourmand for this time of year.

My New Digital Camera!
For those of you who may not know, I have a pretty decent camera collection. I’ve been obsessed with cameras since I was a kid, and it was about time that I picked one of these up. I haven’t taken any photos with her yet, but she’s a Canon Powershot SD1200 in this beautiful sage green color. I was originally perusing the hot pink ones on Ebay, but was sold on the green (likely because it’s my favorite color). I can’t wait to shoot with this!

Capsule Wardrobes
I am in the midst of trying to put together a potential capsule wardrobe for myself, so I’ve been doing some serious deep dives into other people’s capsule wardrobes on TikTok and Pinterest, and I can’t get enough. I haven’t exactly nailed down my style as of late (due to budget and working from home now) but she’s on the to-do list for the new year.

Near Death Experiences
Mayim Bialik’s Breakdown Podcast definitely has something to do with this. I would consider myself a pretty spiritual person, which I do think differs from religion in a way, but NDEs have really made me go down a rabbit hole and start to really reflect on past lives, birth plans, and where you go when you pass on. I’m inhaling it.

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gratitude notes

This month, I’m thankful for:

Quiet, peaceful days

A new, somewhat regulated nervous system

The outpour of support I’ve received on Substack, and the connections that I’ve made

The generosity of the people in my corner

This new found commitment that I’m making to creative self

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the january bucket list (and yes, some roll over from last month)

Creating an Intentional Vision Board
Not the rushed, last-minute version. A real, physical one — scissors, glue, magazine pages spread across the floor. I also like to make digital ones, one for every screen that I look at daily — my phone, my desktop, and my iPad. I like to make them all a little different too.

Thrifting or Antique Store Exploring
In lieu of my new apartment, I’ve been determined to make my vision for my apartment a reality. Pinterest has taken the place of regular social media for me these days and I’m not mad about it. Searching for things with a past — wool coats, silver trays, books with someone else’s handwriting in the margins, frames and mirrors, old books. Pieces that feel like they’ve lived a thousand tiny lives before they find their way into mine is what I’m aiming for.

Starting my journey on other platforms, and continuing my journey on Substack
When I decided to start posting on Substack, nothing in the world felt more natural. I’ve been trying for years at this point, to really hone in on what it is that I want to pursue and I’ve finally landed on a path forward. Substack has become an anchor for me, and I am so grateful for the wonderful people I’ve met along the way. You’ll be seeing more of me in different ways in the new year — I promise you that!

pinterest

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& what i’m looking forward to in january

The stillness of winter

Taking down my Christmas tree and Christmas decor, and starting over on a fresh slate.

Intentional ways to spend my time, whether that is in a productive way or diving into my hobbies

Drinking tea (send recs my way!)

Continuing to create, and experiment with my presence online

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As December tucks itself away and with the fresh beginning of the new year, I hope your days feel filled with intention, and you continue to call in what serves your highest self. Here’s to creating room for whatever makes your heart feel like something.

With love,
Stephanie